Herry Potter and the Witch's Stone
by S.C. Preclarus Noctis
Summary: This is a parody of Harry Potter and the Sorceror's stone. I hope you like it! it's hilarioius..i think..PLEASE R/R!
1. Chapter 1

Good day  
This is a veerrry informal story of sAnDiE's  
Ok  
Now  
Let's go and have some fun!!! Yay!!!  
Disclaimer: I own herry potter. Notice it is herry and not harry. So I own herry potter so don't steal my idea. If you do, ill call upon the evil forces of this earth and they shall banish you to hell!!!!! Well, this has the idea of Harry Potter so I DO NOT own the idea of HARRY POTTER, but HERRY potter is MINE.  
Harry Potter belongs to JK ROWLING!  
HERRY POTTER AND THE WITCH'S STONE by sAnDiE & troubled soul  
  
There once was a family called the Doosleys. They were the most screwed up family in town, yet they called themselves perfectly normal, thank you very much! Daisy Doosley was a very fat, hippo like woman. Vackal Doosley was a thin, bald man who had a pale face. They had a little boy called Dursley Doosley. Now, Dursely was very...well...thin...almost TOO thin. He could fit through a CRACK! The neighbors were scared of his scary appearance. Most kids ran from him.   
One day, when Vackal was getting to work, he spotted a strange dog sitting next to his house on Public Drive.   
" SCADADDLE!" he shouted at the dog.  
The dog stared at him and bared its teeth.   
"GRRRRRR" it said back to him.  
" That's funny." He thought " Dogs don't talk back to people!"  
Vackal glared at the dog and drove away in his car. As he was driving, he saw people wearing robes and wearing weird looking shoes.  
" Hooligans.." he muttered. " Teenagers these days. Teenagers and their ridiculous fashions."  
He drove and drove.  
Then finally, he got to his work place. Vackal worked at Hummings, it was a drill factory and they also sold humming devices. As he entered the building everyone greeted him in a formal fashion. He was quite pleased with this because it made him feel special. He sat down in his office on the 89th floor. Vackal drummed his fingers on the desk and was very bored. Then an owl flew by, then another, then an owl SLAMMED AGAINST HIS WINDOW AND DIED!   
" Oh my goodness!" he cried. " SECURITY!!! AAAAAAH!!!"  
Vackal was then sent to therapy because he was mentally in danger witnessing the poor owl dying. After his therapy he went outside for a sandwich. As he was walking to the bakery , he overheard the people in cloaks talking.  
" Yes! Herry Potter! He's the one!"  
" He has survived!"  
" He has survived!"  
" I ALREADY SAID THAT YOU IDIOT!"  
" So????"  
Could it be? THE SAME POTTER THAT HE WAS RELATED TO!!?? But he wasn't quite sure if his nephew's name was Herry. It could've been Jerry.  
  
That night, there was a strange dog sitting at the corner of their house. Then, suddenly, an old man appeared next to the dog.  
" Good evening, Professor McGoogall!" he said to the dog.  
The dog stared at him with disbelief and transformed into a woman.   
" How did you know it was me?!" McGoogall shrieked.  
" Because I'm ALWAYS WATCHING YOU!" croaked Dumboldoor.  
McGoogall looked at him in a strange way. Dumboldoor cleared his throat to let her know that they were going to change the subject.  
" Are the rumors true?" asked McGoogall suddenly.  
" OF COURSE THEY ARE! DUH!" yelled Dumboldoor.  
McGoogall looked a bit hurt but held back the tears that filled her eyes when Dumboldoor said that.   
" What happened to Rose and Jim?" asked McGoogall.  
" Moldevort killed them!" said Dumboldoor sadly and he burst into tears.  
" Calm yourself!" said McGoogall, " What about the boy? Herry Potter!"  
" HE died too.." said Dumboldoor in grief.  
" WHAT?!"  
" Just kidding!"  
"WHERE IS HE?!"  
" Bagrid is bringing him."  
" ARE YOU INSANE?! TRUSTING THAT BIG OAF!"  
" I would trust Bagrid with my life."  
" Well, that's you."  
Then, they hear a very loud noise coming from the night. It turns out that it is a flying bike and Bagrid is on it. McGoogall clutches her heart in horror and Dumboldoor is very shocked but doesn't show it.  
" Good eve'ing Profess'r D'mboldoor,s'r" said Bagrid taking off his goggles.  
" Hello, Bagrid." Dumboldoor said calmly but he's REALLY SHOCKED ABOUT THE FLYING BIKE!  
" WHERE IS THE BOY?!?!" McGoogall shrieked and she pointed a wand at Bagrid.  
" Er...r'ght h're!" Bagrid said handing McGoogall a bundle of blankets.  
Then, Dumboldoor takes little Herry Potter and drops him on the door step and throwing an envelope with him.   
" GOOD LUCK HERRY!" Dumboldoor said sadly looking down at him.  
" You're leaving him with these Tullogals!?" scream McGoogall.  
" I must...until Herry is ready...he must stay with these MUGGLES!"  
" OH...so THAT'S what they're called..."  
Dumboldoor gave McGoogall a look.   
" Wha' 'bout 'is s'ar?" asked Bagrid.  
" I'm afraid I can't do anything about it."replied Dumboldoor. " It may come in handy! I have one on my foot and it's a GREAT map of the Underground Railroad!"  
" Er..."  
  
  
  
REVIEW PLEASE! I will continue if I get good comments..if I don't..i'll just remove it. 


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2  
Herry Potter and the Witch's Stone  
  
Disclaimer: I DO NOT own Harry Potter but I own Herry ..  
  
Author's Note: Goodness gracious, some flames...blegh! If it was a member I would've flamed their story too! MWAHAHAHAHAH!!! This person told me NOT to continue, but who cares! I'M CONTINUING CUZ I FEEL LIKE IT! *Sticks out tongue* and also because some ppl told me to continue so nyaaaaahhh...  
  
  
As the years went by, Herry grew older and older. He was pretty thin for his age, he wore glasses, and he had untidy hair. Herry liked one thing about him though, his peculiar scar. It was shaped like a star. He asked Aunt Daisy what he got it from but every time he asked she would shriek " GO AWAY! I DON'T LIKE BEING QUESTIONED!! IT MAKES ME NERVOUS!!! YOU GOT IT FROM A PLANE CRASH!"   
" B-but how did I survive a plane cra-"? Herry began but was quickly cut off by Aunt Daisy.   
" DIDN'T I TELL YOU NO QUESTIONS?!?!?!!"   
  
Herry hated the Doosleys. He had spent almost 11 years with this screwed up family. Aunt Daisy would always yell and shout at him, Uncle Vackal would always criticize him, and Dursley scared him...because of his really scary appearance. He was also scared of Dursley because he would pop out of nowhere! It could be from a thin crack in the wall or just...anywhere!!  
  
" WAKE UP!" boomed Aunt Daisy one day from outside his little cupboard. " TODAY IS MY POOH BEAR'S SPECIAL DAY!"  
Oh yes, today was Dursley's birthday. Herry thought.  
Then suddenly, Dursley came through a thin crack and said, " WAKE UP POTTER! We're going to the zoo!! My friends are coming! MWAHAHAAHAHH!!!!"  
Herry stared at Dursley like he was some weird alien. Dursley ignored him and went into the kitchen.  
"HOW MANY ARE THERE?!" demanded Dursley when he saw his BIG PILE of presents.  
" 104! I counted them!" Vackal said proudly.  
" Don't you feel special..." muttered Herry.  
" WHAT DID YOU SAY?!" shouted Vackal.  
" Nothing."   
  
" 104?! BUT LAST YEAR I GOT 200!!!!" yelled Dursley furiously.  
" W-well...you know...some are quite big...and..." Vackal stuttered cowering behind a chair.  
" I DON'T CARE! I WANT MOOOOORREE!!!!! MOREE!!!!" boomed Dursley. For a very very thin boy, he had a loud voice. Even his parents were afraid of him.  
" Ok, ok, pooh bear! When we go out we'll buy you more presents! How's that?" said Aunt Daisy sweetly.  
" ....OK!" agreed Dursley.  
All of them sighed with relief.  
Aunt Daisy narrowed her eyes at Herry and said " COOK THE BREAKFAST! DON'T BURN ANYTHING! NOTHING!"   
Herry went to the stove and started cooking the breakfast. He made bacon, pancakes, eggs, and toast. When he was done, he shoved the plates in front of the Doosleys.  
" Here." Herry said shortly.  
" EEWWW! Look at all this OIL in here!" shouted Dursley.  
" You need some to get at least some FAT in you! You walking twig!" retorted Herry angrily.  
He made this breakfast and he put a lot of work in it.  
Dursley was so furious with Herry that he bursted into big fake tears.   
" LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID!!!" screamed Aunt Daisy. " Oh no...my poor Dursleykins..."  
" H-he h-hurt m-my f-f-feelinnnnggsss!!!!!" "sobbed" Dursley.  
Then suddenly, the doorbell rang. Vackal glared at Herry, got up, and answered the door.  
" Dursley! It's your friends!" he called.  
" YAY!!!" Dursley shouted and put on a straight face.  
  
Dursley's friends were all the same. Skinny as a TWIG! They're favorite game was to hunt down Herry and scare the daylights out of him.   
  
  
  
The zoo....  
  
  
Dursley and his friends decided to look at the snakes first because snakes were Dursley's favorite animals. Actually, Dursley wanted to set a snake on Herry but he didn't tell anyone this. Dursley led the way to the reptile house. He actually led them into an aquarium...and all the fishes died before the very sight of Dursley.  
  
"MAKE IT MOVE!!!!" demanded Dursley.  
" Make what movie?" asked Vackal.  
" THE SNAKE!" shouted Dursley  
" Er...There are no snakes here."  
"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!"  
" We're in the aquarium."   
" Oh...I knew that...I was just TESTING YOU!"  
  
Finally, they arrived the reptile house.  
  
"RIGHT THEN! MAKE IT MOVE!" demanded Dursley again.  
Vackal nervously went up to the glass and tapped it. " Hello...wake up, cute lil snakey wakey..."  
Herry stared at Vackal and thought, " This is a VERY SCREWED UP family..."  
  
The snake simply continued snoozing on.   
" UGH! THIS IS SO BORING! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TOOK US HERE, DAD!" shouted Dursley.  
Vackal's eyes filled with tears. Dursley's friends sniggered and beckoned Dursley to come look at the other snakes. Herry stayed behind because he felt sorry for the snake.  
" Sorry about that...they don't know what it's like...to be scared or hurt by some scary people..." Herry said softly to the snake.  
The snake started to sob. " YESSS I KNOW! I KNOW! I JUST WISH PEOPLE WOULD SSSTOP! ISSS NOT FUNNY..."  
Herry stared at the snake with utmost terror on his face. " OH MY GOD!!! I NEED HELP! I CAN HEAR SNAKES! HELP! HELP HELP!!!!!!"  
"SSSHUT UP!" the snake said.  
People started staring. They stared. And stared, and stared AGAIN!  
" Look...all you have to doo issss ussee your powersss to sseett mee freee!!!" said the snake smiling.  
" Powers?"asked Herry  
" Never mind..but...sseettt mee free, I mussst go ssseee Africa, becaussse my family is theree...ssss..."  
" Er...I dunno how. Sorry." Herry said and left the reptile house with the Doosleys.  
" Sssstupid boy!" hissed the snake.  
Suddenly, Dursley ran back and leaned his face on the glass of the snake. He started making faces at it and said " YOU'RE SO FAT!"  
" STOP MAKING FUN OF HIM!" shouted Herry angrily. " He's my friend!."  
Herry didn't know what in the world happened. THE GLASS VANISHED AND DURSLEY FELL IN! The snake started hissing at him.  
" MOMMY!" screamed Dursley.  
The snake slithered out of its cage and said to Herry, " Thanksss, I alwaaysss knew you were sssmart." Then, he slithered away.  
  
Vackal glared daggers at Herry and said slowly, " What...happened.... tell...me...now!!!!"   
" I SWEAR I DON'T KNOW!" Herry said.  
" YEAH RIGHT! LIKE I'M GONNA BELIEVE THAT!!!"  
  
  
Herry was locked up in his cupboard for three weeks. He had little bits of bread and he was starving. He was also very bored. He even tried talking to the spiders.  
" So spidey, how was your day?" he asked.  
" It was fine, thanks...er...I gotta go!" they would answer and crawl away as fast as possible.  
  
  
Review please, I know this is un-funny and stupid, but im bored......... 


	3. Chapter 3

Herry Potter and the Witch's Stone  
  
Disclaimer: I DO NOT own Harry Potter, but I own HERRY! HEEHEE  
  
Author's Note: I guess I'll continue.  
One day, Herry came out of his little cupboard and went into the living room. There he found the most frightening site. DURSLEY IN A UNIFORM THAT WAS ALL BAGGY AND SAGGY!  
  
" AAAAAHHH!!! WILL I BE WEARING THAT TOO?!" Harry screamed  
  
Vackal and Daisy turned around and snorted.  
" You? Going to Meltings?" they said and laughed evilly.  
  
" B-but, I thought..." Herry said a bit hurt.  
" You thought wrong, boy!" snarled Uncle Vackal. " You will be going to a prep school for boys!"  
  
" NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"  
Herry cried and cried. He didn't want to go to a prep school! Then, one fine morning in the kitchen...THE MAIL CAME! Vackal said, " YAY!! I LOVE LETTERS! Dursley, go get the mail."  
  
" Why?" Dursley said, coming out of a crack, " Make Herry get it!"  
  
" Oh, alright, Herry go get the mail! DON'T OPEN THEM BECAUSE I WANT TO!" said Vackal.  
  
"Make Dursley get it." Herry said  
  
Vackal towered over Herry, and Herry cowered. " When I tell you to go get the mail, you go get the mail!."hissed Vackal.  
Dursley sniggered and went through a crack to explore the wonders inside walls! Herry glared at them and stormed to the door. He picked up the letters and browsed through it.  
Herry gasped " A letter for me..." Tears started leaking down his eyes. He never, in his whole life, got a letter.  
  
Mr. Herry Potter  
123 Public Drive  
Somewhere in Surrey  
Under the cupboard, you call a room  
  
He returned to the kitchen giving the Doosleys their mail and was about to open his. It had a weird sign on it. There was a crow, a dog, a lizard, and a cat in this little symbol thingy. Just as he ripped open the envelope, Dursley came out of the crack and grabbed the letter.  
  
"MUM, DAD, HE STOLE A LETTER!!!" Dursley shouted throwing the letter at Vackal.  
  
"Give it to me!!! That's MINE!!" whined Herry.  
  
Vackal and Daisy snorted and laughed their heads off. "You?!" Vackal sniggered, " Who would be writing to YOU, eh?!"  
  
He turned the letter over and saw the symbol thingy. He gasped. Daisy gasped. Dursley looked at them confused. Herry made a grab for the letter, but Vackal dodged his grab.   
  
"OUT NOW!!!!" Vackal shouted at Herry and Dursley.  
  
Dursley started to cry because his dad never yelled at him before. Herry tried to listen through the crack in the kitchen door.  
  
" We knew this day would come, Vackal." Boomed Daisy.  
  
" What could it mean?! How do they know where he sleeps?!" Vackal said , insane.  
  
" Maybe they're stalking him..." Daisy said, thoughtfully.  
  
" We should just ignore the letters. I mean...they can't do anything about that!" Vackal said.  
  
So, they ignored the letters. But the letters kept coming and Herry wanted to steal them! One day, Vackal went to Herry's cupboard.  
  
" Herry...we decided to move you upstairs. To Dursley's second room." Vackal said, kindly.  
  
"Where are my letters?" Herry said.  
  
" I ate them." Vackal said. " Now, gather up your things and move upstairs. NOW!!!!"  
  
Herry did as he was told and got his blanket and ran upstairs. Dursley started crying inside the walls which scared Herry a lot. Dursley screamed at Daisy and Vackal and threw his pet cat out the window, but he still didn't get his second room back. Poor Dursley.   
  
One night, Herry set his alarm to 6 AM so he can get the letters when they first arrive. When he went downstairs, everything was dark. He tiptoed to the door---  
  
"AAAHHH!! MURDERER!! INTRUDER!!! DON'T KILL ME! I'M TOO SPECIAL TO DIE!!!" screamed something squishy.  
  
Herry had stepped on Vackal in a sleeping bag.Quickly, he ran upstairs before Vackal saw who it was. And even today, it remains a mystery to Vackal. One day, the letters came out of the refrigerator and Vackal went crazy.  
  
"WE'RE GOING TO HAWAII!!! EVERYONE PACK YOUR THINGS, LET'S GET A MOVE ON! THEY'LL NEVER FIND US IN AMERICA!!! MWAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!" Vackal said, insane.  
  
Everyone obeyed and they went to Hawaii.  
  
Review...I know it sucks. 


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